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Over the past year or so I have now and then received mail from a, well, very odd gentleman who I will call Grasshopper. He as been sending me philosophical commentary signed with the phrase, "Putting the fun back into Fundamentalism" and "Setting up Evangelicals on Blind Dates with Jesus." A very amusing sort, he is, who reminds me of trying to nail jello to a wall, or hang pictures on a fog bank. Inevitably when I got him pinned on an argument, he would resort to one of two responses: "You may be right, I am not sure myself" or, "That's not the way it is and you know it." Or some such. But he is not our subject; our subject is a peculiar "tract" he sent me with the title, "Jesus/'Jesus'" that tells us solemnly, "No careful reader of the Bible can fail to be struck by the clear differences between the open heartedness of Jesus on one hand and the bitter, badgering tone of the early church's 'Jesus' on the other." The stump is that the Jesus who does miracles, believes in devils, and so on, is completely incompatible -- per such experts in the Ancient Near East as Jefferson, Gandhi, and Tolstoy! -- with the Jesus these guys like better once you pare off what you don't like. Make your own Jesus, as it were. To this end the tract notes 7 things it alleges to be contradictions in the person of Jesus, and they do well to show why my friend Grasshopper is as muddled as he is. Following Jefferson down these anachronistic rabbit trails is a counsel of despair!

We present a critique of this tract with the perception that a reader may also find the same lit thrust into their hands by an earnest Grasshopper at some future date. The 7 points were set in the form of a "Witness" versus a "Yet".

1. Witness: In word and in deed, Jesus teaches not to judge (in the sense of not to condemn), but to keep our hearts open. Yet: The early church's 'Jesus' is the archetypal judge who will float down terribly on the clouds for the world's final rewards and condemnation. If you want cites for this, you won't get any -- which is one thing that makes this tract annoying. Are they referring to Matthew 7:1? Or to this set of verses? Are they forgetting that the very reason Jesus would tell people not to condemn is that they -- unlike he -- isn't capable of judging fairly? In other words, is this not rather a case of a professional firefighter telling everyday people not to enter the burning building with a hose?
2. Witness: Jesus cautions against anger and teaches the love of one's enemies. Yet: The 'Jesus' added by the later church calls his enemies 'children of the Devil' and attacks them with utmost vituperation and contempt. Contempt! -- what these guys call "contempt" and "anger" is no more than riposte-challenge that was typical for the day even among brethren in the Qumran sect. It also seems to define "love" as polite sentimentality, not group adherence or "tough love" as we may call it. It's another case of slapping Western culture on an Eastern mind, and I have a question to bug the people who think this stuff is terrific: If this truly represents a contradiction, how do you know that the real Jesus wasn't the one who called his enemies 'children of the Devil' and attacked them with utmost vituperation and contempt, while it was the later church who (trying to make a sale) put in Jesus' mouth the cautions against anger and teaching of love of enemies?
3. Witness: Jesus talks of God as a loving father, even to the wicked. Yet: 'Jesus' preaches a god who will cast down the disobedient into everlasting flames. Again, no cites here, which makes we wonder where they find this stuff, but here's a hint: "love" doesn't force against one's will. If the wicked don't want God, who is He to force Himself on them? But then again, the flames part is somewhat off as well if they think it is literal.
4. Witness: Jesus includes all people when he calls God 'your Father in heaven.' Yet: 'Jesus' says 'my father in heaven.'" Well, at least we can search for this one! And bad news -- the phrase "your father in heaven" is found only in teachings that are addressed to the disciples of Jesus (Matt. 5-7, 18:14; Mark 11:25; Luke 11). All people? Scratch that. But then again, why isn't God the father of Jesus along with the others? Is Jesus fatherless?
5. Witness: Jesus teaches that all those who make peace and love their enemies are 'sons of God'. Yet: 'Jesus' calls himself the Son of God. Actually, it is overwhelmingly others that call Jesus that, and he doesn't deny it; but here again, what's the issue? These can't be overlapping? My friend Grasshopper had an issue where he thought theology and history were somehow non-intertwinable. Never could get him out of that.
6. Witness: Jesus isn't interested in defining who he is (except for one passing reference to himself as a prophet). Yet: 'Jesus' talks on and on about himself. Again here, cites would be very helpful, but we are given none. As it happens, though, what they probably have in mind is that Jesus in his public teaching was subtle in self-identification -- not because he wasn't "interested" but because the ancient world was collectivist in orientation, and one's "who I am" came not from one's self but from others. Only in Jesus' private, inner-circle teaching (his own group) do we see him talking about himself clearly. What these guys see as contradiction is actually social studies homework they didn't do. Last up:
7. Witness:Jesus teaches God's absolute forgiveness. Yet: 'Jesus' utters the horrifying statement that 'whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness but is guilty of an eternal sin'. Well, since blaspheming the Holy Spirit is the sin of disbelief, and contrarily, we don't have any cite where Jesus teaches any such thing as "absolute forgiveness" -- what's the deal here?

The tract closes by quoting that great expert in ANE social customs, Thomas Jefferson, as saying that he found a lot of passages nice, and others untrue, etc. There you go, folks. Put your trust in the hands of Jeff, because he knew the world these people came from and lived it. That's when he wasn't busy writing the Declaration of Independence and the time travel machine was working. As for my friend Grasshopper -- I hope he enjoys his jello.