The Angry Women's Revised Bible

Or, Women Didn't Write the Bible...So?
Dee Dee Warren and "Safari Man"

It has been said by some feminists, over and over again, that Christianity is sexist because the Bible was written by MEN, therefore it ought to be edited, replaced or ignored.

Well! Few Christian men would dare to argue with such a mentality because in doing so, they know full well they will most likely get branded as sexist, reactionary, ape-browed neanderthals. But here's an idea for what you Christian men can do next time some haughtier-than-thou feminist tries to lay a guilt trip on you over the Bible's so-called male chauvinism.

Agree with the feminists that, yes indeed, the Bible was written by men and that it's high time that women wrote their own version. Be sure to point out that men have been chafing against the prohibitions against fornication, adultery, and drunkenness for centuries-- so tell them to please edit that stuff out. Men are strongly tempted to lie when they've been out playing poker with their buddies when they shouldn't have. Lying is prohibited in the Bible so please, ladies, edit this out too! Lusting after another woman in one's heart is most definitely a no-no according to the scriptures. So next time she catches you eyeing that cute bikini-clad beauty at the beach, simply say "Oh, that's right honey!! Women are going to expunge that part of the Bible, aren't they?"

The Bible admonishes men not to be deadbeat dads. Ephesians 6:4 says "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Obviously this has to go, right? Ask them to write a version that will make it easier for Christian men to avoid their parental responsibilities. And let's not forget that the entire book of Proverbs lectures young and old men alike not to be dunderheaded fools, but to seek after Wisdom. Not only that, but Wisdom itself is spoken of favorably as if it were a woman!! Well, what we men need is a version that gives us divine permission to be complete idiots. And if they're not happy that Wisdom is given a feminine quality, then let's change the text by all means!

The Bible also tells us to be kind to our neighbors. Let's face it men--do we really feel like being kind to ALL of our neighbors, especially the one with the yapping dogs that keep pooping in our front yard? No! But, thank heavens, the feminists will give you complete freedom to shoot them. Do I mean the dogs... or the neighbors? Well, why not both? Murder is prohibited in the Bible too, you see. This is obviously a grave mistake that must be corrected by the women who know better. And since a male God couldn't possibly have come up with a great idea such as "Thou shalt not steal" or "Honor thy father and thy mother" they obviously must have been commanded by a Goddess, right?

The story of God making woman out of a rib from Adam is sexist, you say? Well, goodness, we must do something about that! Let's make the story more politically correct, shall we? Let's pay no attention to what might have actually happened and go ahead and re-write the entire beginning of Genesis to suit our modern day political sensibilities. What we need is not the actual history according to the ancient Jewish tradition... no! What we need is a political manifesto which explains that what really happened is that man was created out of woman's rib, and woman was created out of man's rib. Don't try to puzzle out how this is even remotely possible in a logical universe and complain that it makes no sense. Simply accept the fact that it is true, and prepare to receive some good natured... ribbing.

And finally, there is at least one more thing that MUST be eliminated from the Bible at all costs, even though women have done a great job in hiding it in their tizzy over the "submit to your husbands" bit-- that pesky little scripture in Ephesians 5:25 that says "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her...." Even though most people who don't read the Bible regularly are completely unaware of the monumental responsibility of the man in the marital relationship (because they can't seem to read past verse 22) it would really be a great relief to men everywhere to get THAT monkey off their backs. I wonder what kind of sexist man would write that anyway? Could it be that maybe the feminists are wrong about the Bible after all?.... Oh, no, time to put the scorched bras back on and go back to shaving those armpits!

I'm sure you beleaguered Christian men can find many, many other things which would make your life much easier if feminists would just conveniently edit them out of the Bible. Once they finally get around to writing the AWRB (Angry Women's Revised Bible) you can be sure that your life will be much easier! Since you will almost certainly no longer be the official head of the household, you will be stripped of the many responsibilities which the Bible imposes upon you. Who knows? Maybe you'll even be free to go out and play golf whenever you like!