There was once a funny little man, who lived in a funny little house, where he wrote funny little articles for a funny little periodical. The name of the periodical was The Journal of Hyper-Criticism, and it was subscribed to, and had articles written in it, by many ogres, giants, centaurs, and other strange creatures in the forest near the funny little man's house.

Once upon a time the funny little man wrote a book titled Anastasis in which he suggested that Jesus survived the crucifixion but was later dead, "and was creamted while the remains of Passover lambs were being burnt." All of the serious people of the kingdom where the funny little man lived thought this was a very silly idea, for only very silly people ever seriously suggested that Jesus had survived the crucifixion. But the funny little man just smiled and reassured himself with the conclusion that the serious people of the kingdom were afraid of losing their status among their peers, for otherwise, they would recognize and appreciate his startling genius. The serious people made many criticisms of the funny little man's theory, but he only smiled and laughed and said, "No matter how far-fecthed my story may be, my friends, it is nowhere near as far-fetched as a resurrection." And the serious people simply shurgged and left the funny little man alone, because they saw that he could not be dissuaded from his funny little presuppositions.

Then one day the funny little man called together all the ogres, fairies, and other fully little creatures of the forest and said he wanted to have a press conference. All of the funny little newspapers showed up with their fully little cameras, and as they snapped pictures of the funny little man on the podium, he began to speak.

"First of all," the funny little man said, "the apostles 'had a most unpromising product to sell.' Jesus taught that the 'classic fetishes of Jewry' were 'nonsense'. Jesus 'shameful execution' would have been a 'discouragement' to possible converts. Jesus also taught against 'common principles of profit and loss' and finally, people often left the movement while Jesus was alive. 'So the disciples' commodity was hard to sell. This very fact can be tendered with some confidence as a genuine witness to the Resurrection, for no one would peddle Jesus' message without a startling impetus.'"

The ogres grumbled mightily and the centaurs stamped their feet. Some of the fairies fainted. The funny little man had just offered an argument much like that of one of the serious people! Worse yet, he was openly contradicting one of his friends, another funny little man just down the road, who had insisted against the serious person that no, no such impetus was needed at all. The crowd of strange creatures became uneasy. (A few were also startled by the anti-Semitism and bigotry he showed in calling Jewish religious beliefs "fetishes" but most of the creatures were used to such ideas by now, or even agreed with them, so most of them did not care.) What would he say next?

The funny little man saw their uneasiness and smiled. "Relax, my friends. I still believe much of what I once did. I believe Jesus survived the crucifixion. I believe he appeared to his disciples afterwards. And I believe they saw the financial benefit in proclaiming his resurrection, knowing they could become leaders of an important movement and so make wealth from it. The 'increase and status and promise of earning-free maintenance and valuable control of charitable funds were sufficient to keep their interest alive' and could have overcome any issues of Jesus being shamefully executed, and even persecution by authorities. But of course, 'gangrene' and 'serial organ-collapse' would soon kill Jesus anyway. So they buried his body in a remote and inconspicuous place, and invented the story of the Ascension. They were able to provide 'proof' of the resurrection, and people believed. That's what I now believe happened."

A wave of relief came over the creatures of the wood and they wiped their brows with various appendages. As all this was happening, however, one of the serious people happened along the scene and was listening intently. He waited until the murmuring of the creatures had subsided, then stepped up to the podium and made himself known. The funny little man started, and looked a little uneasy. "What do you want?" he said curtly.

"May I ask some questions?" the serious person asked.

"I suppose so," the funny little man said, in a way that made it clear that he really didn't.

The serious person cleared his throat. "How, medically, do you explain Jesus surviving the crucifixion, AND getting out of the tomb?"

"Severely-injured people revive all the time," the funny little man said simply, and he pulled out a set of dates for newspaper articles, which he flashed and then hid behind his back.

"Are you a physician?" the serious person asked.

"Er...no," the funny little man said.

"Can you show me, medically and physically, that any of those instances reported are viable parallels to what Jesus had to do and go through, in your scenario?"

"I'm sure I can," the funny little man said defensively.

"I'm sure you can't", the serious person said. "If you did, you'd tell us enough to identify the article from each paper, not just give us dates."

"I'll give you specifics! Try Plutarch's Moralia 7."

"You can't be serious," the serious man replied. "That's a story of a man who fell on his neck and resuscitated at his funeral three days later. Plutrach even says the man had no wound on him. You can't possibly be seriously comparing that to the effects of a crucifixion. You're not a physician, that's for sure. OK, let's try something else. Do you have any positive evidence that the disciples were such scoundrels as you describe?"

"No," the funny little man replied, "and I don't need any. Because however far-fetched you think my ideas are, a resurrection is even more far-fetched than that."

The ogres and fairies all cheered, but the serious man persisted. "How do you see peasant fisherman running such a conspiracy?"

"Why, to say that is to 'undervalue Jewish traditional gifts,' my friend. The Jews for many years 'supplied international traders' and 'financiers,' and 'guarded tax-farming contracts and enterprises of merchants or kings.'"

"I see. So your answer to my questions is that Jews are good with money?"

The funny little man nodded.

"Do you have any similar insights about black people, Oriental persons, Italians, or persons of Irish descent?"

The funny little man turned purple and shouted something incoherently.

"I see. Let me ask you something else, then. Of course the NT shows that the disciples didn't just hoard the money; they acted like a typical collectivist and distributed to those in needed. So how is it you see them getting rich?"

"Ah!" The funny little man exclaimed, holding up a single finger. "They surely skimmed some off the top enough to make themselves a comfortable living."

"I see," the serious person said. "And how do you answer the matter of them thereby arousing the envy of others for taking advantage of the limited good available?"

"I guess they kept their expenses well-hidden," the funny little man replied smugly.

"I guess that would be the most convenient response. Let me ask you then: Did anyone else have a stake in this?"

"Most assuredly! Joseph of Arimathea had had his own stake in the matter, for he had been hoping that by having a holy man in his own tomb, he would thereafter have a commodity that 'would be valuable as a magnet for speculators who auctioned scarce grave-plots' and also as a 'place to work necromantic spells' or as a place for pilgrimage. And of course, there would be trade in relics like the bones of Jesus he would have been counting on."

"You're saying this is why Joseph subjected Jesus to what McCane showed was a disgraceful burial?"

"Precisely."

"Even though all of what you described is contradicted by Jewish regulations concerning purity?"

The funny little man smiled. "Money is a powerful motivator, my friend."

"Is there any reply one can make to your thesis," the serious person replied, "that you will not answer by either saying, 'Money is a powerful motivator' or 'Anything is more likely than a resurrection'? In other words, is your thesis falsifiable, so that if a resurrection actually did occur, we could have that as an option in your argument's scenario?"

The funny little man stood quietly for several moments, then gathered his papers, ran back to his house, and slammed the door.

"I guess that answers my question," the serious person said to himself. "This guy is no different than the funny little man at that other house who said that Jesus had an evil twin. Sure is odd, too, how these funny little men all disagree with one another."

And the serious person went on his way. But all the ogres, fairies, centaurs, and other strange creatures had not paid attention, and the each went back to their homes to do some day trading.